Tuesday, May 6, 2014

It is NEVER too late to keep going

I can't believe it has been so long since I sat down at my laptop and just poured out my thoughts. I took some time to read old ones that I wrote and it really made me kinda of proud. Not because I am ego manical but because I have been through a lot of shit and garbage over the last few years and I kept a pretty darn positive attitude about it all. Sure there have been some things that I said I was going to do and I didn't as of YET. I firmly believe that I am to do what I am doing in my life at the EXACT moment that I am supposed to. We can stand in judgement of others and call them a failure ( as I have had said to me over it ), But I stand and say I am not on that page yet in my life journal. Don't get me wrong I have self doubted, self hated, and emotionally beat myself up ... That was then and this is now.

Let's talk about NOW! Where am I? Where have I been? WHAT have I been doing? So many questions to answer so hold your horses and I will let you all know as fast as my fingers can type.

I heard something last night that really sunk in because it is how I feel so very often.... " I just want to sit down at a dinner table and eat a normal meal with my family. I am so sick and tired of living meal to meal and struggling every day with my body " .... anyone else? It has been a long road these last 50 weeks or so for me. I have had my coach and trainer Sandra Compton with me the entire way through every single hurdle. I sat down with her a year ago in a Williams coffee shop crying and telling her I lost me! I stopped caring about me! I put everyone else first and forgot about me! I didn't want to jump in to another 12 week program. I wanted to live my life and find me again in the process. I refused to live weeks at a time. I asked her for a one year commitment to me and I would give her the same. That is a LOT of time to ask for someone to commit to you without a contract in writing. It was a leap of faith and trust on her part that I would be there when I said I would be and not give up. I was at the point where I just needed to live one day at a time. I was kind of broken and she saw that.....

Day one of training started and again I thought WTF did I just do to myself AGAIN!! HOW did I get so far out of shape. HOW did this happen!?!? Oh ya.. I remember now... because I stopped caring enough about myself to do something about it then. That honestly was one of THE hardest sessions I have had to do in a VERY long time. Not because it was physically difficult. I had done each one of those movements before many times, even though secretly it was personal torture, but because it was mentally difficult. Jump rope and push ups and lunges oh my! All while hearing the calming words... You got this and It will get easier just be patient. So patient I have been. For almost a year. Week in and week out, 2 times each one, she built me back up and let me struggle as well. Not because she is mean but because you don't learn if you are always having your hand held. You have to learn to do it on your own at some point.

So here I sit at my laptop letting everyone who takes a brief moment to read this know that I did it! I really have completed what was the most important part of this year. Not the weight loss by numbers, but the weight lost of the pressure I put on myself that was firmly rested on my shoulders. In ALL honesty I have not lost any weight. I have built muscle and a pretty awesome sculpted body. I have lost inches and I have gained so much more self confidence and self respect. I have also gained knowledge and THAT is SUPER important. Knowledge is power. I learned I have food allergies and intolerances, IBS, Celiac Disease and who other bunch of things going on in my intestines and bowels that are being tested and watched by physicians. I have a malabsorption problem and that started it all. So this is why I am not hugely upset about not losing some numbers. If I slacked off and wasted my money and my time and Sandra's time for the last year then YES I should be embarrassed. Not the case at all here thank goodness :)

So now what?!?! Well... I am going to glide gracefully in to 40 on June 13th. I am going to keep a positive outlook and know that I have so many more years to be ME! To celebrate me. To know that I am here for a reason. To know that I have my children and my husband that even though I make them ALL mad they love me. To love myself ......... UNCONDITIONALLY! To just keep going no matter what age I am or what square I feel I am starting back at. To know that I am going to stumble along the way and to remind myself daily of this portion of a blog I wrote a while back.... Take a read :) It puts a smile on my face and in my heart when I read it.
Aug 21, 2012
Music has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. Dancing around in the living room while ABBA or Barry Manilow played on the record player, jumping from couch to couch with my brother trying not to get caught. Walking down the street at Church St Station in Orlando with my dad, hearing the music of the steel drum bands playing in the distance and then to just break out in dance because it felt right. The last song played in the Romancing The Stone movie and breakin' it down in the living room (which I still do because I LOVE that movie). If it feels right ..... DO IT! Haters are gonna Hate and Doubters are gonna Doubt. But don't let that stop you from doing what makes you feel happy inside. It is not a competition about who gets to the gym more or who lost more weight than the other this month. It is about finding the happy YOU! If you haven't heard it before, Life is NOT a sprint. It is the longest marathon ever. The rewards are endless if you can appreciate your own successes and be real and true about them. I have one good week, yay! I have 3,4,7 in a row then I celebrate that! My honest private celebrations are far more important to me than public display.

So in the end ... Put on your highest heels and take over your world! Dance like no one is watching because it is about YOU and if they are.... tip your head, show them your best smile and ask them to dance. Be your own QUEEN!

I'll spin around in my highest heels

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