It is NEVER too late to keep going

I can't believe it has been so long since I sat down at my laptop and just poured out my thoughts. I took some time to read old ones that I wrote and it really made me kinda of proud. Not because I am ego manical but because I have been through a lot of shit and garbage over the last few years and I kept a pretty darn positive attitude about it all. Sure there have been some things that I said I was going to do and I didn't as of YET. I firmly believe that I am to do what I am doing in my life at the EXACT moment that I am supposed to. We can stand in judgement of others and call them a failure ( as I have had said to me over it ), But I stand and say I am not on that page yet in my life journal. Don't get me wrong I have self doubted, self hated, and emotionally beat myself up ... That was then and this is now.

Let's talk about NOW! Where am I? Where have I been? WHAT have I been doing? So many questions to answer so hold your horses and I will let you all know as fast as my fingers can type.

I heard something last night that really sunk in because it is how I feel so very often.... " I just want to sit down at a dinner table and eat a normal meal with my family. I am so sick and tired of living meal to meal and struggling every day with my body " .... anyone else? It has been a long road these last 50 weeks or so for me. I have had my coach and trainer Sandra Compton with me the entire way through every single hurdle. I sat down with her a year ago in a Williams coffee shop crying and telling her I lost me! I stopped caring about me! I put everyone else first and forgot about me! I didn't want to jump in to another 12 week program. I wanted to live my life and find me again in the process. I refused to live weeks at a time. I asked her for a one year commitment to me and I would give her the same. That is a LOT of time to ask for someone to commit to you without a contract in writing. It was a leap of faith and trust on her part that I would be there when I said I would be and not give up. I was at the point where I just needed to live one day at a time. I was kind of broken and she saw that.....

Day one of training started and again I thought WTF did I just do to myself AGAIN!! HOW did I get so far out of shape. HOW did this happen!?!? Oh ya.. I remember now... because I stopped caring enough about myself to do something about it then. That honestly was one of THE hardest sessions I have had to do in a VERY long time. Not because it was physically difficult. I had done each one of those movements before many times, even though secretly it was personal torture, but because it was mentally difficult. Jump rope and push ups and lunges oh my! All while hearing the calming words... You got this and It will get easier just be patient. So patient I have been. For almost a year. Week in and week out, 2 times each one, she built me back up and let me struggle as well. Not because she is mean but because you don't learn if you are always having your hand held. You have to learn to do it on your own at some point.

So here I sit at my laptop letting everyone who takes a brief moment to read this know that I did it! I really have completed what was the most important part of this year. Not the weight loss by numbers, but the weight lost of the pressure I put on myself that was firmly rested on my shoulders. In ALL honesty I have not lost any weight. I have built muscle and a pretty awesome sculpted body. I have lost inches and I have gained so much more self confidence and self respect. I have also gained knowledge and THAT is SUPER important. Knowledge is power. I learned I have food allergies and intolerances, IBS, Celiac Disease and who other bunch of things going on in my intestines and bowels that are being tested and watched by physicians. I have a malabsorption problem and that started it all. So this is why I am not hugely upset about not losing some numbers. If I slacked off and wasted my money and my time and Sandra's time for the last year then YES I should be embarrassed. Not the case at all here thank goodness :)

So now what?!?! Well... I am going to glide gracefully in to 40 on June 13th. I am going to keep a positive outlook and know that I have so many more years to be ME! To celebrate me. To know that I am here for a reason. To know that I have my children and my husband that even though I make them ALL mad they love me. To love myself ......... UNCONDITIONALLY! To just keep going no matter what age I am or what square I feel I am starting back at. To know that I am going to stumble along the way and to remind myself daily of this portion of a blog I wrote a while back.... Take a read :) It puts a smile on my face and in my heart when I read it.
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Aug 21, 2012
Music has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. Dancing around in the living room while ABBA or Barry Manilow played on the record player, jumping from couch to couch with my brother trying not to get caught. Walking down the street at Church St Station in Orlando with my dad, hearing the music of the steel drum bands playing in the distance and then to just break out in dance because it felt right. The last song played in the Romancing The Stone movie and breakin' it down in the living room (which I still do because I LOVE that movie). If it feels right ..... DO IT! Haters are gonna Hate and Doubters are gonna Doubt. But don't let that stop you from doing what makes you feel happy inside. It is not a competition about who gets to the gym more or who lost more weight than the other this month. It is about finding the happy YOU! If you haven't heard it before, Life is NOT a sprint. It is the longest marathon ever. The rewards are endless if you can appreciate your own successes and be real and true about them. I have one good week, yay! I have 3,4,7 in a row then I celebrate that! My honest private celebrations are far more important to me than public display.

So in the end ... Put on your highest heels and take over your world! Dance like no one is watching because it is about YOU and if they are.... tip your head, show them your best smile and ask them to dance. Be your own QUEEN!

I'll spin around in my highest heels

Bits of Hope

Where to begin? This is not an easy blog to write this time. Not because I have nothing to talk about, because trust me I do, but because it is hard to put it all down, everything that has happened to me this year to get me to where I am right now. Soul searching and reflection is never an easy thing to do, so this is going to be short and sweet ( I say that now but c'mon this is me.. LOL )

Dec 31st 2011 I was sitting in the Tim Hortons parking lot reflecting on all the things I had done over the year and what I wanted to accomplish in 2012. Here it is, 1 year later and I am sitting on my couch recovering from 4 days of the worst flu I have ever had but now looking ahead to where 2013 will bring me. I am proud of everything that I have accomplished this year. I had to overcome serious medical issues and  had some pretty big hurdles in my personal life but more importantly I have hope and vision that I can and will be so much more moving forward.

See, for me hope is what will always drive me. It is my inner fat girl that I will always have to push away and remind myself that I am not that girl anymore. But I know with hope that one day I will not have to do that.

I do not set New Years resolutions for the simple fact that it is a set up for failure. Proven fact is that most resolutions fail within the first 6 weeks. So then what?! That is why I set yearly goals. My 2012 was that I am invincible, and I absolutely am! I am so much better than I was 365 days ago.

I am in a better place in so many ways. Here are just a few..
- I hold close to my heart the ones that I want in my life, not that I need.
- Road blocks, side roads and speed bumps are just minor obstacles and if I allowed them to stop me in my tracks then I will never move forward (read my previous blogs).
- I have learned to take pride in my moments that I worked so hard for and to be my biggest fan
- To take genuine compliments when they are given
and FINALLY
- To see through a camera lens how others see me.

I will never take for granted the people in my life that have helped to shape, guide and mold me. Some have been silently in the background and others are right next to me. Not just coaches and trainers either. But people like my son who has always been there to push me and also to pick me up when I am feeling down on myself or don't want to go to the gym and would rather eat pizza on the couch. Like Jenna, who when I need a reality check she is there to give it to me. And a few others that shall remain nameless that know when I am crashing and know exactly what to say to remind me what I do this every day for.

Photo taken by Stone Photography

So wrapping this up in a BIG RED BOW, next year for me will be filled with new adventures and Lord knows there will be surprises. I am not done my list from last year so I will continue to work on that. I found my inner Beauty ( or my inner Diva ) this year and I hope that every woman reading this finds theirs too. Take a small breath each time you accomplish something and embrace it. Smile inside and know that you did it.

C'mon 2013... You are my year of ... Hopes are Dreams Come True

Photo taken by Stone Photography

Photoshop Squishy?? Never!

I spend a lot of time snooping through pictures of and from people online. Ok well not a LOT but yes I do look. There are a few reasons why I do it. One, I am bored out of my mind sometimes and have nothing better to do. Two, there are a ton of really awesome photos out there that should be shared with everyone. And Three, because it amazes me how much people hide behind photoshop. That has been something that has bugged me for a while.

I really have never been afraid to post a picture of me "natural". Christmas morning with bed head, last nights makeup still half on my eyes, and in my pajamas is one of my more popular posted ones.. LOL.. I am no drop dead beauty but I can tell you that I am me! I don't need to hide behind a ton of foundation or makeup to show who I am (Although it is fun getting pretty) This being said, that also applies to body shots. Photoshop is there to "enhance" a picture. NOT to change what you look like and then to say that's who you are. It angers and frustrates me to no end because it is not a true representation of you. It is of the great work of your photographer in the editing room. How is anyone suppose to relate to someone who will only post "boob up" shots unless they are "edited"? Doesn't that go back to the old saying," She sure has a pretty face but only if...". That is what I wanted to stay away from. I never wanted to be THAT girl. I wanted to be more than just a pretty face and that is one of MANY reasons as to why I started to lose my weight 6 years ago.

On one of my friends FB pages I saw her post a picture with 3 pairs of pants tacked one on top of each other to show where she came from. It touched me more than you know to see that even with all the changes she has gone through in her life that she keeps her pants for each stage that she is going through. And her journey is not over either. For me... I keep 2 pictures on my phone at all times. The one from Feb 2006 and then my side by side from last year. There is no editing done at all and that is just the way I want it. I don't need anyone to "enhance" or take away any part of my squishy that is there. I'm squishy and I am not afraid to admit it and neither should anyone. Especially the women that have been on the heavier side and have lost weight. Don't be afraid to say," I'm a little squishy these days". There are eyes watching you and we can see when you are not be honest about it.

So with all this being said, I am going to leave you with this..... If you are not willing to allow people to see you as you really are, what are you trying to hide and why? And what kind of person are you trying to represent.

Who is willing to post photos of themselves "uncovered" ?? I AM!!!
I will take being a role model looking not so great over only being just another photoshopped woman who is just that... a picture.

Finding Happy

It has been 2 months since I last sat down and gathered my thoughts enough to finish this blog. So many things have gone on. I celebrated my 38th Birthday, I celebrated 1 year as a blogger on Beautyfit, had a major health issue that I have been having to deal with once again and also celebrated my 15 year wedding anniversary with Spark. So you may say that I have been a little busy with life. I say I have been " Finding my Happy".

We all have different versions and different ways of getting to our own happy. Whether it be in a job, in our personal life or our social life. So one is not right or wrong, but personalized. No one way can be defined as the right way. For me, it has been a life long journey. More recently it has been more prevalent though. Maybe it is because I am getting older or because I am sending my baby boy off to University in 7 days. Either way I am in search of it. Never be "just okay" with your life. Be more than that! Find more fantastic words.

So while in search of finding my happy, I have also decided that I need to wear my smile that fits. It's kind of like wearing your good underwear, but it's something on the outside for everyone to appreciate and for you to be able to share. It is one that I have hid for FAR TOO long. For one reason or another which really don't matter. Why? Because that is not now.. and moving forward (oh dang I really dislike those 2 words but they fit ) I will wear mine. There are far too many reasons for people to bring you down in your life. I have been dealing with this recently and have yet to put it totally past me. I keep certain songs on my Ipod and my BlackBerry so that when I am having my "yuck" moments I can just slam on one of the songs and keep on going. They are my feel good songs.

Music has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. Dancing around in the living room while ABBA or Barry Manilow played on the record player, jumping from couch to couch with my brother trying not to get caught. Walking down the street at Church St Station in Orlando with my dad, hearing the music of the steel drum bands playing in the distance and then to just break out in dance because it felt right. The last song played in the Romancing The Stone movie and breakin' it down in the living room (which I still do because I LOVE that movie). If it feels right ..... DO IT! Haters are gonna Hate and Doubters are gonna Doubt. But don't let that stop you from doing what makes you feel happy inside. It is not a competition about who gets to the gym more or who lost more weight than the other this month. It is about finding the happy YOU! If you haven't heard it before, Life is NOT a sprint. It is the longest marathon ever. The rewards are endless if you can appreciate your own successes and be real and true about them. I have one good week, yay! I have 3,4,7 in a row then I celebrate that! My honest private celebrations are far more important to me than public display.

So in the end ... Put on your highest heels and take over your world! Dance like no one is watching because it is about YOU and if they are.... tip your head, show them your best smile and ask them to dance. Be your own QUEEN!

I'll spin around in my highest heels

Who's that girl?

I recently had a conversation with a very close friend of mine. She put some things in to very clear perspective to me. With an upcoming birthday just 2 days away I have been struggling with who I am. I mean I am Amanda. Mark's wife, The Boys mom. A woman at the gym. The server with the friendly smile that brought you your supper last night. I have spent so much time defining my outside shell that for some reason I have COMPLETELY forgot how I want my inside shell to be.

I know where I want to be in time physically, and mentally my head is in the game but sometimes my heart is having doubts. And that is because I am human. I am not a super hero or a super mom or a super athlete. I am an Everyday Woman that cries herself to sleep at night sometimes because she misses her husband and best friend. Or cries when she is pulling weight at the gym because there has been so much built up inside that you feel like you need to just explode and at that moment in time is when it happens. Crazy but true! Should've seen me last night during T-bar rows.. I was a wreck, alone, eyes focused with tears pouring down and in a zone. We all have moments like this. It is just whether we admit to it or not. My admission happens to be inside my blog for LOTS of people to read and I am ok with that. Because I have not hid behind a mask for the last year and I do NOT plan on starting now. And THAT my friends is what makes me who I am. So thank you dear friend for pointing that out to me and reminding me. I will forever be thankful.

It has been a week without a regular regiment of being with my trainer 3 mornings a week and it is hard to slide back in to a normal pattern. Finding what is going to be comfortable for me. It was easy to go for 11am when I had a trainer with me when the gym was full of people but now not so much. I have found it less stressful to go later at night. I spend time with my folder in the change room planning out my mode of attack to get the most effective training session in that would make myself and Luke proud. So I guess this is where I either flourish or flounder as a post trainer client.

I guess we will have to wait and see what happens from here.... See you in 2 weeks when we get to celebrate togeether.... I will bring the candles!!

Conversations from this Crazy Lady

I have been told a few times in my life I am crazy. Well, Ya I am just a little.. LOL. I told Luke the other day during training that our time is almost up... Then what? I really have been so good up till now..hahaha.. and so it begins. I have 5 sessions left with Luke and I can tell you that with each and every session he gets to know me a little bit more. Whether he wants to or not. Healthy banter back and forth is good. It keeps both of you on your toes as well as it keeps your mind off the fact that you are totally getting your ass kicked all over the gym floor by this guy with the angelic smile. So with that said here is just a little bit of what that poor guy has had to endure with me over the last 10 weeks.

-Me: OMG Seriously you want me to do WHAT???!!!
-*during stepups in week 1* Luke " Faster faster!!" .. Me: I AM! I'm going as fast as I can
-Me: Holy SH!* Balls that's heavy right there!.. *insert Luke standing there effortlessly holding the weights
-(from another trainer next to us.. *outloud laugh did she just say what I thought she said?* Luke: YES!)
-Me: Look at that new muscle! giggling like a school girl and pointing to it flexing in the mirror
-Me: Oh crap this is heavy!! Have I lifted this before? *Luke " You are now, let's go"
-Me: That was 15 *Luke "2 more" ... clearly his counting and mine are totally different!
-Luke: Easy as pie.. *Me, " Mmmm yummy chocolate cake with peanut butter and chocolate cheesecake"
-*insert me bent over the leg curl machine trying to get feeling back in to my legs .. Luke "Your nails are pretty" ( of all the things I expected to come out of his mouth THAT was NOT one of them. That was the BEST line of 10 weeks so far and took my mind of the increasing pain right then and there )
-Me: If I step any faster I'm gonna pee. *Luke, "then pee and keep on going"
-Luke: For the last set you can put your feet where ever you want *Me: Like up your a$$! .. Luke " Well if it helped with your training then maybe yes ( as the laughing ensued and the weights were pushed )
-Me: If that machine makes me sound like that I don't want to use it. And then we used it. I sounded like that but not nearly as throaty as that man did.
-Me: If that machine makes me sweat like that I don't want to use it. We have used it before and I did NOT sweat like said previous guy did.

>>>>> and then best like of ALL was today!!!............

Seated for shoulder press I am in proper form and ready to go..
Me:  Hey look right here..(my lats) There is a little bit of fatty left on them.
Luke "Those are your lats and that's what we WANT to come out and Sitting like this you look JACKED!!"
>>> there is NO better boost than having your trainer be the eyes that you don't have and to let you know that your body is taking shape to what is expected and wanted.

My point to ALL of this is... Training and working out does not need to be boring. There of course is a time to get it done and not mess around but you also need to have a sense of humour about it all. I mean are we really in our right mind to enjoy the days of pain following the killer leg or back or chest days like we do? Of course not! But we have learned to love it and to find a way to embrace it all. How about that day I walked right in to the change room door after my tricep day because my arm gave out completely as I went to open it. Now THAT was funny! 

Whether you have a trainer with you, your training partner or you are by yourself... Talk yourself through your session. Keep telling yourself ONE MORE! Dig Deep and pull the last few out and feel the burn.

When you are done with the machine, look at it and say," Who owns who NOW??!!"  and walk away with your head held high and a smile on your face and let EVERYONE know that the crazy lady is here to stay!

So because my trainer says so... I am JACKED and ready for the next step! Until next time.. Laugh LOTS, Smile big and stay BEAUTYSTRONG!!!

Exposed Outside My Comfort Zone..

What a fun filled morning I had and a great way to start a Saturday. 7am spin followed by breakfast with Sandra. Because of our schedules we have not had the "quality time" that I need to reassure me that all is well and normal. Today, out of an off the cuff haha statement I thought it would be fun to change things up a bit. I was going to post my photos that I take to see changes and then video blog but I seem to be technology challenged these days. So until I can figure out how to do this we are going to just do pictures.

I would just like to say that in today's photos I am sporting my new bra & undies. I am in that "weird" stage in transformation where I am not a large but not a medium but I bought new and that is what matters.

In the back pics I am taking that BIG step outside my comfort zone to post these because I am literally half dressed with my butt OUT THERE... But I am really proud of it. I have worked pretty darn hard to get it to look like that. And between training and BeautyBum my cheeky dimples are almost gone.. I would happy dance but it is not nearly as effective in a picture.. LOL

Thanks for stepping outside the box with me :)There are so many good things to come and I am super excited to share them with you.